Heartbreak School

Do you remember the song, “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5? It was a really catchy, popular tune about a decade ago.

In the above photos, I am really trying to smile. But just like Maroon 5's song, it’s a “broken smile”. This past year has been filled with a lot of pain for me. 

I have been in graduate school for a very long time. But it was all coming to an end this year (thankfully). I was finishing my final draft of my dissertation and heading towards my dissertation defense. I was reaching the end of a very long, hard journey. 

You would think I would be jumping for joy, ecstatic and celebrating. But I’m not.  

Two days after my defense, I was blindsided when my boyfriend and best friend left me. He said that I spent too much time writing my dissertation. He said that he wanted to have a “great summer” without me. Months earlier he talked about getting me an engagement ring and our wedding plans. I was expecting a proposal, not a breakup. 

We were together for 15 years. In 15 seconds, our relationship was over. 

I would never discourage anyone from pursuing higher education. But today I am writing this blog post to put an idea out there that tends to be overlooked: graduate school is hard on relationships. 

Check out a few articles written on the subject:

The Biggest Relationship Challenge for Couples We're Not Talking About: Grad School

Who are you, and what did you do with my spouse?

Why Does Graduate School Kill So Many Marriages?

I sacrificed a lot to go to graduate school. But so did my partner. Graduate school was already hard on our relationship and then there was the Covid-19 pandemic. The pandemic was challenging for everyone. But dating a graduate student during a pandemic is a whole other level. 

Over the last few months, I talked to my partner a lot about my graduate research. I know my conversation was dull and boring. Like Morissette’s song, I could be everything. But he was always willing to listen. He was patient, kind, and compassionate. 

Without him, everything feels different and not in a good way. The worst part is knowing that he is having a “great summer” and I'm having the worst summer of my life (without him). My mind wanders and I know he is casually dating, maybe even falling in love with a girl half my age, gorgeous and funnier than me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. My heart keeps beating but I feel barely alive. 

I would like to end this post with a quote from Hakala (2015): 

“What’s rewarding about grad school — the accelerated life changes, the major time-suck, the intense decision-making — is that partners who make it through succeed because they validate one another’s life choices. Grad school tests modern couples in ways they can’t even anticipate, but ultimately it can make love smarter”.